Friday, August 13, 2004

Bad Hair Rantings

Well, I decided to get my hair done. (Shortly, when I figure out how to, I'll be posting hair "Before" and "After foto's, so see fer urself). I trotted over to the hair cuttery.
(Now, I'm new in town, and don't have a new hair girl. I should have known better than to do this (the hair cuttery/butchery) thing, right? But alas, when the mood strikes, and your feeling flippy and spontaneous, off you go. So I probably deserve it, right? NO DAMMIT. I DON'T!. But whats to be done, I ask you?)

In all due course, and to give the girl her "do" (pun intended), I have what can only be described as "difficult Hair". Ohhh! and ahhh! say the uninformed straight hair chiks, I WISH I had your curly hair! I hate this statement. No you don't. My hair is thinned with big pruning shears with gnarly teeth, and relaxed with chemical straigteners. I haven't brushed my hair when it was dry since 1987, when "wings" were in! I grew it down to the middle of my back in hopes that the heavy length would make it hang with some degree of style. Not. In addition, it's super fine, soft and wispy, yet very thick. Mess with it too much, and it becomes a puff ball the size of snoop dogs as showcased in his most recent staring role in "Starsky & Hutch" . AND I'm a white girl.

So, today, I whimsically decided to try something new. You know, get a style of SOME sort.
In I walk. "Who in here has been out of beauty school for a least 5 years? Can I get 5 years??" I ask. Well, the "shop manager", Kim, raises her hand to the challenge. Ok, here we go.
"Kim" I say, "gimme something new. I'd like to see most of my face again, perhaps a bit of ear lobe." and Kim is off. Wow! Snarls are a flyin, my eyes are tearin up (I'm tenderheaded) as she yanks and evens and snips and layers. This takes about 20 mins. Suddenly, my head feels 20 pounds lighter. Things are looking good. A bit of silicone (for shine and frizz control, she says) and Voila!!! DANG! Looky THAR!! I look damn fine! Who would have thought?? An excellent cut right in the hair butchery! for $30 bucks too! (I haven't spent less than $150 on my hair in 10 years) Well, I'm beside myself. My asscheeks are clapping! I got a New Girl!

HA! Of course, I just couldn't stop there, now could I? Nooooo, I ask about "that deal with the cut n color you got going on..." So next I'm off for highlites. And an hour later, with 70 lbs of foils in my new crisp shiny bouncy lightly layered locks, I'm able to detect infared proton particle waves reverberating off the mars rovers. Cell phones are switching to my head for roaming. Well, you know the price of gettin B-U-T ful, right my girlfriends?? You been there!

THEN, the moment of glory, the "crowning" point, the foils are off, the dry is beginning, and..AND....I've got stripes of strawberry/wine red (an interesting fusion of color) in my medium ash brown doo. Ugh, o gawd, my bowels are clenching. I look at Kim, the scissor queen. And I see that she has stripes of the same color in her DARK BROWN hair. Doesn't look bad in there. Then I look at my reflection. Words can't bring justice to the moment, so I do what any right minded bold n beautiful hip chick would do...

I pay her $100 bucks, TIP her $25 Bucks (can you believe I did that??) and leave. I drive home convincing myself that it's new, hip, and I'm stylin.

My husband is home when I come in. He kisses me gently, and sniffs my head "gee, yer hair smells terrific!" he murmurs. "But Why are there red stripes all over your head? What the hell is THAT?" he says.
"THAT, you dumbass" I say, "is the newest look. When you get out of 1985, you might figure it out!" and I brazenly stomp away.

Tomorrow, after my morning crying jag, I'm going out in search of a new girl.


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