Saturday, August 21, 2004

KIDS: To Smack'em or NOT to Smack'em

Well, this topic will surely piss someone off, of that I am positive. And oohh, how I love Pissing People Off. For me, it's a sport.

You must know now that I never give 2 shits about anyone else's opinions, especially if they don't agree with mine. Oh, don't get me wrong, I enjoy hearing others opinions. But most importantly, I feel that you should hear mine, and I thoroughly enjoy regaling you with them on many wide and varied topics.

(When you actually reach the state of "not giving 2 shits about what anyone else thinks" for the first time in your menial meager meaningless lives you will be truly liberated, and your innate creative thought processes will no longer be hampered, and your pie-hole will spill forth with wonderful ideas, and all the little blind babbling sheep people will bow down before you and recognize you for the amazing and powerful mind that you are).

That being said, I feel that if you haven't smacked your kid in the mouth at least once yearly, commencing with (3) years (possibly earlier, depending on your abilities as a parent and the level of brat-t-ness of the child) to, oh, apx. (13) years (again, possibly longer if your child develops into a juvenile delinquent), you completely deserve how your child treats you for the rest of your life. Furthermore, consider yourself partially responsible for how they treat others. Yes, that's right, It's always going to be Your fault, ultimately, if your kids turn out to be assholes.

Initially, let us define the only type of physical discipline I condone: A SMACK.
As defined in Webster's Revised Unabridged Dictionary, © 1996, 1998 MICRA, Inc. as: 1: a blow from a flat object (as an open hand) [syn: slap].

This action is not to be confused with (what I consider) uncalled for violence and abuse, categorized as ever:
1) beating children with your fists.
2) striking children with another object of any kind.
3) long winded strung out verbal mental persecution's that degrade not only yourself, but also the child, and in fact cause more harm than almost anything else lousy you could do to a kid.
4) ANY kind of sexual act (which will not be discussed in this topic, most especially in association with children).
5) The only means you utilize as a discipline set (dumbass).

Now, some folks, not having enough brain matter to stuff up a gnat's ass (you can thank Mimmy for that particular colloquialism) assume that their children "won't love them anymore" or will "develop and harbor some deep dark hatred of them." Hey, don't put your insecurities as a parent on your offspring. Who's the grown up here? Well, Act like it! You ARE in charge, you must set, manage, and occasionally display the parameters of acceptable and un-acceptable behavior's.

No, this does not teach the child that hitting is ok, and may be distributed about by them upon someone else. It teaches the child (if you do it right) that SMACK'S may be given by parents, (and it's only ok for grown-ups to do this, only to their own children, and only 'cause you love them and care so much) (possibly close relatives children, upon occasion and with their parents permission), kinda like only grown-ups can drink beer.

Picture this scene (borrowed from Marty Stouffer's Wilderness Adventures Series):
Momma Bear with her Young Cub in tow, trolling through the meadow, intent on her search of juicy grubs and nutritious berries for Young Cub to eat. Young Cub is bored, and being playful, jumps upon Momma Bear, repeatedly, to bite her on the ass. Now, momma bear gives a few warning growls and snarls at Young Cub, but being young and inexperienced, he has not learned a first and very important lesson: What Momma Bear will (and will not) tolerate. Young Cub jumps up and bites Momma Bear in her big hairy bumpkis again, and behold: He learns an important lesson, as Momma Bear swats his ass, just once, but good. He ponders this lesson as he rolls down the hill. When he gets up and shakes himself off, he runs to catch up with Momma Bear, who went along searching out food, and the matter is not elaborated upon.

So you see, 'twas very simple. It was not necessary for Momma Bear too:
1) Yell, scream, or threaten (or loose control in any verbal manner, allowing the juvenile to manipulate her.)
2) Discuss the intended smacking action ahead of time. (The element of surprise, of the un-expected, is critical to the learning behavior of the juvenile. )
3) Deliver more than(1) ONE swat. (It is imperative that the swat is not a joke, and is delivered firmly and without hesitation. If you swat more than once (per necessary lesson) your a lousy parent and should give your kid to someone else, forever.)

Parents that don't smack(or swat) occasionally will Unfailingly, Always, (and ask anyone who is not afraid to tell you the truth because they don't give 2 shits what you think) have ill-mannered, disrespectful, un-manageable street urchin brats, who later evolve into convicts.

I have actually witnessed a child (parent & child will remain nameless, as I know them) turn to their mother and say: "I Hate you, You suck, and I hope you die!". I quickly position myself behind the child to grab the teeth that were sure to momentarily fly out of it's head. But alas! The little snot-nosed disrespectful bugger was given a stare, and told to "go to his room", which of course, is what the little shit wanted in the first place, because his room is really Disneyland. Take out the tv w/cable, DVD, playstation, boom box, 7 million dollars in toys and gadgets, and perhaps he wouldn't be so keen for a visit.

You see what I'm getting at here? ASK yourself, Shit, If I woulda said that to my mom? She woulda.....well, you know. So what the hell is wrong with you? Yes, I know you don't like your parents, but No one does. It has nothing to do with them smacking that nasty little mouth of yours when you needed it. It has everything to do with your clear and concise understanding of never disrespecting adults. Which in turn, teaches you to never disrespect yourself. And so on, and so forth, and perhaps if we applied this logic more often, not living in fear of some Left Wing Tree-Hugging Liberal Assmunch from McDonald's calling social services and giving them your license plate number (because she saw you swat your kids ass in the bathroom) (for telling you that you were a bitch because you didn't buy them ice cream) things might be better with the world right now. Her kids, meanwhile, are pawning her gold jewelry, disrupting the environment at the high school, selling drugs, thieving from the neighbors, screwing anyone that lets them, and basically running her life into the ground. But she was a good mommy, and never never smacked her kids.

I'm sure you've had your ass kicked by one or both of your parents (hopefully) exactly when you needed it (Anyway, they brought you into this world, and they should be able to take you out, and you better never forget it). Perhaps you may now recognize how imperative and helpful it was in the molding of your pyche as a youth. Hey, you turned out alright, didn't you? (I truly hope it wasn't excessive, or more than smacks, ever. If it was (I'm so sorry), and please seek counseling immediately. Then, visit your parents, and smack'em around a bit, as this is really the only thing that will give you closure. Their old now, and you can take'em.)

Understand something here, I do not have children of my own (another topic) but I do have (4) nephews, who I see regularly. I love them dearly, and spoil them rotten. But doubt it not: When they are brats, or disrespectful uncouth clouts, I do smack'em. Right on those cute little asscheeks.


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