Saturday, August 21, 2004

To Breed, or NOT to Breed...

I don't have any children.

Parents with children are all around me, which gives me the right to comment and offer my personal opinions on how to raise them. I am continually subjected to environments in which this social dynamic is constantly in flux.

Actually, I am able to offer an unbiased view on different parenting techniques
1) BECAUSE I don't have any children, and 2) I don't give a shit what you think.
I suppose you feel that only you are "in the know", having a little bundle of joy all your own. Just as I am SURE that mysterious, magical book, (How to be the Best Parent in the World) fell out of your twat 2 minutes after junior did.

Oh dear me, how I enjoy watching all of you loving parents and offspring. (A personal favorite is in a crowded mall, late in the days shopping, after you have subjected your little disciples to hours of boredom and harassment, and now they are excessively hungry, tired and mean mean mean. You guys look like your having soooo much fun!!!)

Yea Yea Yea, I know what your thinking. I'm just a mean dried up old hag, destined to become a spinster that the neighborhood kids will terrorize by egging my house. Your thinking: Man, She's (35) yrs old! Her biological clock is ticking away, and she's sitting on a large vat of rotten eggs right about now! She better hurry up and Get R Done. Times awasting, and she ain't gettin any younger"!

Oh yea? SCREW YOU! And just because I got good teeth and nice wide hips, I ain't gonna be a breeder anytime soon. This is due of my observation of, well, everyone I know that has bred. They are all miserable. Totally, and completely. Pathetic, really.

They (the others, the "parents") try to lure you into their world, blubbering about "one day, you'll see, kids are soooooo worth it" (Really? Personally, I prefer a sparkling clean, organized home, without the lovely aroma of diaper jeanies, or handprints on the wall, being completely surrounded with lovely delicate collectibles and objects d'art on full display, a schedule all my own, and no one to wait on but myself).

They share additional nonsensical ideas like "I just love to see the world through their eyes". (What's wrong with your eye's? Didn't you grow up seeing the world too?)

I am sick sick sick as dog that Everyone I meet has the strange urge to ask "Do you have children? NO??? Oh." AS THOUGH I were somehow inept, or failed massively on my "expected" accomplishments as a woman. AS THOUGH I am something LESS of a woman because I have not utilized my "god given reproductive equipment", and the power of "bringing forth Life" was "wasted on me, hon".

Consider this, (You breedin bitches), should the man (and let's use YOUR man for this equation) utilize his "god given reproductive equipment" the way it evolved, YOUR man should be out donating his seed to any willing female who bends over. THAT'S why he has soo many spermies. And somehow, I just betcha, you wouldn't think highly of your man laying donations of his life giving seed up and down your neighborhood block, would ya???

The underlying reason that I feel we, as an American population, should limit our family unit reproduction (like they do in Japan, and if it's not Japan I'm thinking of, any other communist-over-populated-Asian-country may be substituted) is proudly displayed on my bumper sticker. Stupid People Shouldn't Breed. And face it, our country is just infested with stupid people. And they are out there right now, breedin like bunnies. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Stop the insanity, I beg you.

Now, I have (4) nephews. Don't get me wrong, I just love kids. For about (8) hours. Then I am more than happy to givem back to their miserable parents. Guess what? I spoil the hell out of them, bribe them with sugary sweets, givem cash, let them watch tv whenever they want, eat anything, anytime they want, and take them to fun places. They just love auntie Roo, and they will continue to adore me forever. You see, I need them to take care of me when I get old. And sometimes, I like to keep them overnight, just to watch how much they eat in one sitting at breakfast, and compare with them idiosyncrasies of cartoons of merit. And oh! the amusement of allowing them to "dress themselves".

Well, Hell, maybe I'll just squirt out a few of my own soon. Sometimes they are alot of fun, and afterall, I feel stupid visiting carnivals and amusement parks without dragging them along. And who'd want to miss the excitement of soccer practice, or a PTA meeting, or "mommy, how come she doesn't have a hoo hoo?"

Shit, it's not as though one has to acquire any special skills to breed. (And if my husband and I can't do it on our own, due to the rotten egg factor, for 87 thousand dollars we can visit an infertility clinic of our choosing, or perhaps order a kid from Croatia).

Yes, perhaps I should reconsider. Anyway, my family and friends owe me tons of free babysitting, and it's not like my boobies aren't already saggin into my armpits, right? And let's not forget about the Tax Deduction, and all that "makin babies" practice sex!

I'm going to go find my husband. This will freak him out. What fun!


At August 21, 2004 at 10:28 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

35? I had you pegged for no more than 25. Good show, ol' chap!

At August 21, 2004 at 3:09 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

don't have kids.. the world is already overpopulated as it is. There are too many irresponsible men and women out there having kids left and right.. we need to solve that problem first. Creation is arguably one of the most powerful forces in the world and it is not to be taken lightly.

At November 16, 2004 at 11:55 PM, Blogger Nuggets Noodle said...

I like to expose children to Ren and Stimpy and watch their little minds break.

At November 17, 2004 at 12:23 PM, Blogger HoppnRoo said...

OmiGAWD! I love Ren and Stimpy. Just ammo to fire back at Spongebob Squarepants enthusiasts.
Well Shit. Actually, I like spongebob. Damn. But if I had to diaper a kid in spongebob square-diapers, I wouldn't.

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